Suggestions for computer using children

I recently re-encountered this post that I made on a homeschooling mailing list (November 14, 2010)

I'm a gamer. My gaming was pretty self moderated as a kid and it worked fairly well for me, but I'm naturally pretty motivated. I consider myself a digital native. We got our first computer back in 1978. The first word my younger brother learned how to spell at age 2 was "Run; R, U, N, enter!".

As I remember it, when I was about 7 I decided that the computer was taking up too much time so I took a year off. I don't remember being encouraged to do this by anyone, or even discussing it with anyone either.

I think it's really important for parents to give kids other options. As a kid I was quite isolated ("gifted", poor social skills etc.) which meant that for a lot of the time I had a social group of 2; me and my younger brother. We lived close to a park so I did a lot of tree climbing and things. We had a lot of books, both fiction and reference and I will forever thank my Mum for answering questions with a chipper "I don't know! Look it up and tell me about it!"

Growing up I remember spending a LOT of time bored. "Muuuuuum, I'm booored. What can I do?".... "Well if you have nothing to do you could clean your room?...." is NOT the answer I needed to hear. I think that kids don't always know the scope of their options unless they have been exposed to a lot of ideas. My brother and I wrote stories, made music, drew pictures, performed plays etc, but in my opinion, my brother would never have come into his own as a social being had my uncle not introduced us to dice-based role-playing games.

Not interfering in your child's learning process is one thing, but I agree that offering other things to do is a great plan. I look at it like food - fatty food is not evil, but it does taste good and is habit forming. If you don't give your kids the option of eating fruit and other healthy snacks then they will fall back on the nommy stuff. This can displace important nutrients. If you don't overtly offer kids enriching opportunities they are unlikely to find them for themselves if they are distracted by time sinks like video gaming. This can impact on a child developing social/interpersonal skills, gross motor skills, spacial awareness and other such things.

Humans are made to move.

Sensationalist rubbish taken with a grain of salt; if you are sitting around rather than climbing trees, mucking about with friends, building huts, kneading bread, riding bikes, threading beads, walking the dog or kicking a ball then you are at higher risk of all the illnesses of a solitary, sedentary lifestyle.

Trust yourself. Think about things that you "have a problem with" and if you think it's important, let kids know. Parents are there to guide and influence their kids as a more knowledgeable other, just don't expect their decisions to be based on anything other than their own experiences.

My feeling on this sort of thing is that it's important to be honest and up-front about your feelings, otherwise you end up with your family members getting the impression that you disapprove of something but no actual idea of what that thing is and they have to fill in the blanks themselves.

Hypothetical example: Shared computer, and Dad is miffed that daughter is spending so much time on computer because he wants to wind down (browse TradeMe and check emails). Dad grumbles around the house. Daughter senses it's her fault and assumes that Dad doesn't like her using Facebook. Knowing Dad likes building things, she decides to log off Facebook and look up how to make a bird-house instead. Dad is still grumpy and daughter feels put out. No solution in sight. If you are clear about your needs everyone can work together to find solutions.

Seems I have rambled enough. Hope that was a helpful perspective :)

Letting Children Choose

It's something that I've heard time and time again:

How do you find the balance?

It seems that parents who are raising children in a more child-centred model come under fire from their critics for "letting their children run wild". I have heard Unschooling described as parent educators "letting the children do what they want". I agree with them that if this is actually the case then they are doomed to failure. So should children be allowed their own self-definition?

I would say yes, but my opinions may be tempered by my habit of listening to thinkers like Alfie Kohn and what he says on the trouble with pure freedom but we have to remember that our children look to the people around them for guidance, and parents are their first template for what is, and is NOT, socially acceptable.

For me to be a really effective parent, I must identify what my values and goals are for my kids. Even if we are doing things in a child centred/initiated way my partner and I still influence what our children get exposed to, and how they understand what they interact with.

One of my dearest hopes for my children is that they be able to meet their needs in the modern world, so I give them access to Information Technology. I know that, like lollies and fatty or salty foods, kids can find playing games difficult to moderate, because they meet so many of our instinctive needs - for challenge, stimulation, seeking, matching, self-efficacy etc. We value our kids having skill-sets like typing and using a mouse, using a search engine, or writing emails, but not at the exclusion of outdoor activity, creativity and having real social and multi-sensory experiences.

We value learning so we have guidelines like "it's okay to watch something on the computer when the weather is horrible, but it's better if it's something that we are learning from". Like "sometimes foods" it's okay to play games now and then but it becomes problematic if it stops you from making friends, contributing to the household (personally hate the word "chores) or engaging in real world experiences.

If what your children are getting into is undermining things that you have as core values to your family, then it's a good time for the parents to intervene - it's either that, or re-assess what you value and why. You can have a talk with your kids and figure out what they are getting out of their interests or activities. You may be able to suggest, or get them to come up with, different things that fill the same function for them. It's only by having open lines of communication and trust that parents can know when to let go, and let the children do what they want, and when they still need to have a guiding hand in their children's lives.