How do you find the balance?
It seems that parents who are raising children in a more child-centred model come under fire from their critics for "letting their children run wild". I have heard Unschooling described as parent educators "letting the children do what they want". I agree with them that if this is actually the case then they are doomed to failure. So should children be allowed their own self-definition?
I would say yes, but my opinions may be tempered by my habit of listening to thinkers like Alfie Kohn and what he says on the trouble with pure freedom but we have to remember that our children look to the people around them for guidance, and parents are their first template for what is, and is NOT, socially acceptable.
For me to be a really effective parent, I must identify what my values and goals are for my kids. Even if we are doing things in a child centred/initiated way my partner and I still influence what our children get exposed to, and how they understand what they interact with.
One of my dearest hopes for my children is that they be able to meet their needs in the modern world, so I give them access to Information Technology. I know that, like lollies and fatty or salty foods, kids can find playing games difficult to moderate, because they meet so many of our instinctive needs - for challenge, stimulation, seeking, matching, self-efficacy etc. We value our kids having skill-sets like typing and using a mouse, using a search engine, or writing emails, but not at the exclusion of outdoor activity, creativity and having real social and multi-sensory experiences.
We value learning so we have guidelines like "it's okay to watch something on the computer when the weather is horrible, but it's better if it's something that we are learning from". Like "sometimes foods" it's okay to play games now and then but it becomes problematic if it stops you from making friends, contributing to the household (personally hate the word "chores) or engaging in real world experiences.
If what your children are getting into is undermining things that you have as core values to your family, then it's a good time for the parents to intervene - it's either that, or re-assess what you value and why. You can have a talk with your kids and figure out what they are getting out of their interests or activities. You may be able to suggest, or get them to come up with, different things that fill the same function for them. It's only by having open lines of communication and trust that parents can know when to let go, and let the children do what they want, and when they still need to have a guiding hand in their children's lives.
