Acronymity

I had a really horrible pregnancy. Little did I know that this would be my foray into the world of parenting that would leave me buried in letters!

First came the LMC or Lead Maternity Carer. In my case that was my midwife (if that was her profession) who admitted to me once that she “just didn’t get women because they [had] so many layers”. Then came the HEG or hyperemesis gravidarum.. which is just Latin for “throwing up too much while you’re pregnant” but it makes it sound spectacularly important. Seeing as it left me bed-ridden and unable to hold down any food or water, I guess it was important. Then came UTI or urinary tract infection.. in my case I had two kidney infections, probably because I couldn’t hold down enough liquids. After the worst of the vomiting subsided came the SPD which stood for symphysis pubis disorder which is a loosening of the joints in the pelvis meaning it hurt to stand up or walk.

So I endured the pregnancy in a very inactive way, not able to concentrate on much, so I had done practically no research about birth or motherhood. I was too sick to get to antenatal classes, even if they hadn’t been already full up when I went to enroll. I had no birth plan and my midwife wasn’t terribly supportive. The smell of human breath made me feel ill so I saw very few people during my pregnancy. I even had 2 of my email accounts go void because I couldn’t touch the computer. My husband was at his wits’ end and very lonely because I had become completely dependent. I was nagging and throwing up.. I was.. like a cat! - only less furry and not as much fun!

I was 38 weeks along when I found my next acronym - HELLP or “Hemolysis, Elevated Liver enzyme levels and a Low Platelet count”. Try saying that 3 times fast. They were about to induce me and then it turned out that I had no platelets so if I had bled I wouldn’t have stopped. I got puffy and really sick and went into toxic shock, got the shakes and got carted off for a C-section under general anaesthetic.

My child was born but he wouldn’t latch on to my nipple to breastfeed. It soon became all about the struggle to breastfeed. In washed another pile of letters LC, IBCLC, BM, EBM, FF. Then I joined the LLL (La Leche League) to get some help and support with breastfeeding because I was pumping milk for 6 weeks before I could get Alexander to feed right. I turned to the internet… if there ever was a primordial soup from which life evolved, its parallel is found in this digital soup where acronyms evolve.

Soon I was translating different terms like DS, DD, DH, LO… letters tend to have very sharp corners so you have to be careful using them in every day conversation. They can be kind of hard to palate or use lots of in one mouthful - kind of like those nacho chips with the pointy edges that stab you in the roof of the mouth.

I soon found out that every parenting decision I made for my boy had a “movement” or an acronym. I wanted to sleep with my boy in my bed, or wear him around in a mae-tai carrier, breast feed, and be responsive to my baby’s attempts to communicate his needs to me. From my dawdling around the internet I realised there was a secret code I needed to be using. I was now a CD, BW, CS, EBF, AP SAHM.

LOL.